Send Me The Check

I was reading the newspaper the other day and, wow, did a light bulb ever go off. I’m owed a gigantic check from The Man, you know, The Human with the super big bank account. I think they call it reparations.

Why? Payback for thousands of years of humans taking unfair advantage of us canines. You know, working us like dogs for scraps of food, creating way too many types of us and stuff like that.

It all started about 15,000 years ago, when those scary wolves first cozied up to humans. The wolves hung around the garbage dumps because it was easier and safer to score dinner there than fighting it out with some feisty prey.

Well, that began the slow decline into captivity for us. Oh, it went well enough at first. The wolves, who gradually morphed into dogs, were more like partners with humans. But, over time, all that changed and we ended up working like servants for our masters.

Take the great furry dogs of the North. They had to crawl out on frozen lakes, sniffing for thin spots in the ice. All so humans, with their sleds, wouldn’t take a freeze dip. Of course, we were also pulling the sleds.

In Africa, a whole different breed of dog was conjured up to hunt in the heat of the desert. Just to make life easier for humans. And the sorry story goes on and on, with endless examples of us being worked like dogs for our humans.

Which brings up another point. Why are there over 400 breeds of us today? Simply to suit the fickle fingers of human hands. Well, I’m owed reparations for that, too. See, I’m one of the very few ancient breeds, which means I should have many more adoring fans than I do. And, I would, too, except for all these Johnny-come-lately offshoots created by human whim. Well, that little dalliance is gonna cost plenty.

And the last big reparation is for today’s ingrained dog-does-the-work bias, which is due to our long, unfortunate history with humans. Because of it, Mom actually thinks that, since I am dog, I will work. Well, that’s a real hoot and a half. Seriously, I’m not about to get out there on an ice lake or haul haunches across the burning sand.

So, just send me the check, and make it huge. I’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for.

See you in the mirror.